My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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