I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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