Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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