He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
