Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
