1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
