I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
do nipples grow back?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize