and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize