Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
