I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
