I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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