alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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