he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
