Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
