the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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