3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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