Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
