i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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