Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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