At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
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