i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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