I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize