In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
