Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
