I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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