Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize