my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Actions speak louder than pants.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
