Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
