I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I understand Curling. That high.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
