Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
