I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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