oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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