Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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