hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
