Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize