I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
