In America we eat man semen.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
