Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
