haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
