she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I am midnight drunk by noon
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
