just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
