My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
