She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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