That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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