Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
