Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
