tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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