I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My dick has a subreddit
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
