Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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