He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
