There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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