So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
