Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
