your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
