John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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