If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
