Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
