Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
