and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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