Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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