Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my sisters under your porch take her home
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
