I'm so fucking centered right now
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
