battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
