Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
